5/6/2010

I know I haven't been on here much lately, but it's because I've started blogging somewhere else.  You can go to http://deathbec0mesme.deviantart.com/ where I have started posting all my work and blogs.

4/23/2010

Inspiration is flowing through me once more.  I have begun to write.  It is only a thought on a sheet of paper, but it is a start.  I know once I make my spring belt, I will be well on my way to writing fully again.  Spring is here, both in myself and in nature.  I can feel it in my bones and blood.  The newness flows through me, refreshing me.  I am capable.  I am ready.

4/20/2010

Well, so far my liquid diet detox is going pretty well.  I did have solid food yesterday, but it was only one grilled cheese.  Not bad, really.  It is already starting to work...  I just hope I can keep it up for the next 6 days...
I was going to go to the store today, but I am just too tired.  I was up until 4 am because of the detox meds.  We hates it...  Tonight I am going to take some sleeping pills to try to counter-act it.  And I started today...  I know no one wants to hear that, but it's a fact of life...  Oh, and guess what?  Today is Hitler's birthday.  Isn't that just peachy?  Ugh.  I hope my day gets better.  At least I know K is coming over tonight.  That makes me happy.  :)

4/19/2010

I am starting my detox regiment today...  I am on a liquid diet and I am taking cleanse pills and green tea.  After one week, I will begin my healthy eating regiment.  I know it may be hard for some people to understand, but I am one of those people that can't stop eating bad food.  I have tried a hundred different ways.  The best way for me to do it, is to devoid my body of all the bad stuff and then replace it with good stuff.  Also, the detox week shrinks my stomach, so I'm not as inclined to eat as much.  It helps me to take my mind off of food, believe it or not.  It is like, because I can't eat, I don't have to think about it.  I just live on smoothies, yogurt, water, anything I don't have to chew.  It doesn't matter what it is.  As long as I don't have to chew it.  It may sound extreme, but it's worth it in the long run.  I will be a healthier person.  :) Well, that's the plan anyway.

4/16/2010

10:10 am
I paid my taxes yesterday.  Ugh.  $700 to have a house and a car.  It is ridiculous.  Yes, it is so outrageous, I could ridicule it.  LOL  I made myself Laugh Out Loud.  I crack myself up.
I <3 coffee.  I know it sounds random, but I just got up and refilled my cup and it made me think of how much I <3 coffee.
Sammy is home from school today.  Well, actually, they don't have school on Fridays.  He was begging to go to school today, and believe me, I was begging to take him!  Pat is sleeping.  He worked 12 hours last night, but at least he got home on time and he was in bed by 7ish.  He wants me to wake him at 2, but it's always a big fight when I try to wake him up.  He always says he doesn't get enough sleep.  Even when he has had 12 hours, he's like, "I must not have slept good or something because I'm still sooo tired!"  I always tell him that it doesn't matter how many hours you sleep, no one wants to get up!  I am still really tired in the morning when it is time for me to get up and take the kids to school, but that doesn't mean I can lay in the bed all day!!!  Once you get up and start moving, you realize you aren't as tired as what you thought you were.  It is really frustrating when he works nights, because he doesn't get up till around 4 and he leaves at 5.  Especially times like these.  We have had cheerleading workshops all week, so it's really hard to do it by myself.  Oh, well.  What can you do?  All I have to say is, Pat better be getting paid overtime for the work he has done over the last 2 weeks!!!

4/14/2010

11:00 am
I know it's been a while since I blogged, but with the mine disaster, I have just been too busy to take the time to write.  Also, it may sound strange, but I was actually too scared to put what I was feeling on paper (well, screen).  Like, if I wrote it, it would only then become real.  I tried to keep it all out of my mind.  Not healthy.  I know.  But its what I do.  It still seems surreal to me.  It is so hard to believe that something like this happened so close to home.  I don't like to think about it, but I can't imagine what I would do if my husband had died in that explosion.
On to brighter thoughts, I am getting my books today!!!!  I ordered them on Amazon, and they are on their way to my house right now!  I am excited.  I have a love/hate relationship with series books.  I love them because the story just keeps going on and on without getting boring.  I hate them because when you have finished a book, you have to wait FOREVER for the next book to come out!  Like the Sookie Stackhouse Series, I think I'm gonna die before May when it gets here!!!  And also the House of Night Series.  Those are two of my favorites.
Well, I guess that is all for now.  I'm doing laundry and catching up on my housework so I can spend some time reading the books when they get here!  Woot!

My First Blog Here

Well, here it is, folks. I really have nothing to write about. I am at my ultimate friend's house doing internet things. We watched the latest Spartacus episode, and even though I'd already seen it twice before, it blew my mind once again. So M just stuck her foot right up in my face. Don't worry, she just got out of the shower. I worked about 12 hours today. I know that doesn't sound like much since I work in a cushy office, but we hates it, and we presents even having to ever be there in the first place. But someone's got to pay the bills, right? One of these days, though, I'll have a job that truly makes me happy and makes me feel like I've done something good. I work in a law firm. A defense law firm. I am a legal secretary and have obviously never gone to law school, but after four years I've pretty much figured out the way it goes. Someone sues you. So you sue them back. Then you find another previously unidentified party and sue them as well. Then they'll probably sue you too, as well as suing the original suing party. P is being ugly over there in front of the TV. Look at him. Lookin like a fool with his hand down his pants. M approves of my taunting of her husband. Anyway, back to the practice of law. It's not all bad, but I've seen lots of dishonesty in the business. I've seen lawyers openly deny things we knew to be true. It doesn't sit well on the old conscience, it doesn't. Tomorrow I'm doing Zumba with M and my mama. It should be awesome. I've been wanting to try it for a long time. Okay, I guess that's all for now. This was fun. M, I know you're the only one who will be reading this, so goodnight and I love you!

4/5/2010

8:01 pm
My husband's mine suffered an explosion today.  It is the scariest thing ever.  Luckily he was outside the mine when it happened.  He called me right after it happened and let me know before it was even reported on the news.  I have never been confronted with anything like this before.  Even though he is okay, I am still worried sick.  He is usually home by 5 or 6 and he still isn't home.  I figure he is assisting with the rescue efforts.  I just wish I could talk to him.  I know his job is extremely dangerous, but I never expected something like this to happen to him.  It is a real eye-opener.  I don't know what to do with myself while I wait to hear from him.  :(

4/4/2010

10:47 pm
Well, today is Easter Sunday, and I didn't attend church.  I don't feel that it is necessary.  Actually, I am trying to define my own religious beliefs.  I can honestly say that I have pretty much turned my back on the "religion" in which I was raised.  I have always been Pentecostal, but over the last few years, I have broadened my horizons and changed my views in a lot of areas.  I still believe in the Holy Trinity, and I believe Jesus was God's Son and He died for my sins.  So, I am still a Christian.  However, I have began to celebrate a number of Pagan holidays as well.  To me, when I celebrate a Pagan holiday or perform a ritual, it is always to God.  I think that God has many facets and each can be worshipped separately.  And that is what I do.  I may call him (or her) by a different name, or pray to only one side of his/her personality, but to me, it is still all part of the One True God.  I feel that this is right in my own heart, and that is what I am going to do.  Everyone will be judged at the end of time, and if I do what I truly feel is right, then I don't think that is wrong.

4/3/2010

10:05 am
I have dance class today, but I'm not sure what time.  I'll call K and find out for sure.  They might have changed the times when I missed class last week.  I really hate missing class.  Dance is one of my favorite things to do, and it is what I look forward to all week.

4/2/2010

9:10 am
Pat is home from work today.  We are meeting K and going to the gym.  Sammy is off school today, so we are taking him with.  I'm just glad the gym has daycare!  I did Zumba yesterday.  It is always a blast.  I'm going to start doing it regularly.  Almost time to go!

4/1/2010

4:45pm
K and I went to get our nails done today!  It was a blast!  We had plans to go to the gym, but we decided to do some shopping instead.  :)  I had planned on doing Zumba tonight anyway, and she was going to the gym this evening, so it isn't too bad.  We are definitely going tomorrow, though...  We always have so much fun together.  We are in the same soul family, so we don't have to "try" when we're together.  We just fit.  I love that I can say that I am lucky enough to have a friend like that.

3/31/2010

9:00am
My ultimate friend came over last night and we watched The Unborn.  It was really good.  She dyed my hair burgundy, which is always a favorite of mine.  Looks like Shayla has Conjunctivitis now.  Really not good.  And putting drops in her eyes turns into a big fight.  I know they burn, but that can't be helped.  I just realized that while K was over last night, we didn't accomplish anything that we had planned to.  Well, we have manicures planned for Thursday, so we can talk about it then.  I can't wait for us to really start work on our story.  I say story because we don't know how long it is going to be.  Ideally, I would like it to be a novel, and maybe a series.  It will be interesting to say the least.

I really should go to the gym today.  I haven't been in over 2 weeks.  I hate not being able to go.  I couldn't go the last 2 weeks because of these stupid migraines.  I think (knock on wood) I'm finally through them.  I don't know what is causing them, but I really don't want to go to the doctor.  If they come back, I'll go.  

I'm really enjoying this daily blog thing.  I think its good for me to write things down daily.  I consider it kind of like my online diary.  I know a diary is supposed to be kept private, but I really don't care.  If this is what it takes to get me writing again, I'll do it.  I miss writing poetry.  I can already feel it coming back to me.  I don't think it will be much longer before I can delve back into it.

9:50pm
Well, Pat is playing Modern Warfare 2 and I'm playing on the computer.  I guess I should go get in the shower and start some laundry.  I get to go tomorrow and have a girl's day with my ultimate friend!  It is gonna be so fun!  We have never done anything like this together (we've never been the "girly-girl" types), so this will be a real experience for us!  Hopefully, after the pampering, we can go to the gym together and maybe have some lunch or something...  It should be a great day...  :)

3/30/2010

It looks like I might actually get some stuff done today!  Wee!  I (for once) don't have a migraine and all the kids are in school.  I really need to pay the bills and get some cleaning done today, after I go to town and get a few groceries and a new watch for Pat.  He's been wearing mine to work (which looks ridiculous) and he is gonna break it if I don't get him one soon.

3/29/2010

Well, I am beginning my blog by posting all of my previous work from the last year or two.  I know it's not much, but I've not had much time to write.  I'm hoping now I will be able to focus a little more on my creativity since all 3 of my kids are in school.  Also, I think it will be good for me to keep an online journal, just so I have somewhere to write my feelings down.

In My Arms

In my arms
As I hold you
I hear you.
You try
Not to let me know,
But I always know.

You pull away.
The single tear,
So precious,
So rare,
Glistens on your cheek.
I match your tear with mine.

I wish
I could hurt for you,
Take it all away.
But all I can do
Is save a place for you,
In my arms.

I love you KAB.

My Secret Obsession

I feel the mountain beneath my feet - powerful and majestic. The darkness. It swaddles me, caresses me. Touching every part of me. It clears my mind and sharpens my senses. I hear the dew falling from the leaves and tip-tipping on the wet grass. I hear a rustling in the leaves. I turn towards the noise. I smell something - sweet, but stale. I know this smell. It is the smell of death.

Death. Ever-present, ever-reaching, waiting in every shadow for its next victim. But this death is no ordinary death. This death is much more sinister. Doomed forever to watch as everything he knows and loves dies around him. He - in his beautiful immortality - a blessing and a curse. I see the faint silver shine of his eyes in the darkness. It takes my breath.

He wants me to know he’s there. I can hear my heartbeat quicken with the realization of my fate. Die or live. Both so permanent. Both so enticing and yet so foreboding. My decision must be made quick. I know the stakes. This will be my last night. My blood races through my veins. I know he craves it. Quickly - my choice. But so much to be considered. My family. My life as I know it. Am I ready to leave it so soon? Fond memories fading into faint glimmers of what seemed so dear to me? Glimpses of what could or would have been?

Die or live - quickly. He takes a step forward - slow and deliberate. His shape begins to take form. He is tall and strong. His skin, white and luminescent in the moonlight. His face is solemn. Then a smile. He knows I have made my decision. I reach for him, waiting. My arms extended in an empty embrace. In a movement too quick for my eyes to perceive, he accepts my embrace. He feels like a marble statue in my arms. It is a welcome feeling. I can hear my breathing coming in quick, raspy gasps. The smell - so sweet - is like a drug. I cannot think. I cannot move. His mouth moves to mine and he gently brushes his lips with mine. I shudder at his cold touch. His lips move away from mine, across my cheek. My skin burns from the sensation. My hot to his cold. His mouth wanders with a purpose. He traces my jaw line with his lips parted. His breath is like a winter breeze. He pulls me closer to him as he finds my neck with his mouth. A sigh escapes me. He lingers there, caressing my neck with his lips. I shiver with desire and terror. His teeth sink into my flesh and at once I feel the need to defend myself in some way. To stop him. But I am helpless against his spell. I feel the blood - the life - draining from my veins. He lowers me to the damp earth as my breathing shallows. He detaches from me and his eyes burn into my soul. He offers his wrist to me and I hesitate. I feel the darkness pulling me into it. Die or live. I take his wrist and begin to drink. I feel the life returning to me. I feel strong, awake, revived. I can hear and see everything so clearly. And then the pain is so intense, I don’t think I can stand it.

But with one convulsion - it was over. My cheeks are wet with tears. My heart pounds in my ears and my skin is flushed. My husband stirs beside me in the bed. He reaches for me, but I pull away. I am not ready for reality yet. As I lie there with the early morning sun making patterns on my skin, my heart sinks. Once again, I am left with the longing. A burning desire that cannot be snuffed. I hear the house begin to awaken. My children creep out of their beds. I know I must put on the daily facade; the guise of normalcy. I must lock away my secret obsession and give the key to my dreams.

Faux Punk

This is a song that Katie, Pat and I wrote together.

Chorus:
Faux Punk! Faux Punk!
You hate people like that, too.
Faux Punk! Faux Punk!
But the ones you hate is YOU!

Verse:
You think you're punk
If you dye your hair.
Punks not just a style.
It's not the clothes you wear.

It's an attitude.
It's a way of life.
If you can't get it right
We'll cut you with a knife!

Chorus:
Faux Punk! Faux Punk!
You hate people like that, too.
Faux Punk! Faux Punk!
But the ones you hate is YOU!

Verse:
Your sexin makes me sleepy
And its not because you're good.
I'm so bored I'm goin crazy.
I just wish you understood.

When I say to smack me
You think I'm sick and twisted.
But real punks would be thrilled
That I wanna be fisted.

Chorus:
Faux Punk! Faux Punk!
You hate people like that, too.
Faux Punk! Faux Punk!
But the ones you hate is YOU!

Verse:
The passion makes the punk
And thats somethin' that you're missin'.
We're gonna set you straight,
So you better just listen.

You know you're not authentic,
So we can't call you a poser.
Get your head outta your ass
You mother fuckin' brown noser!

Chorus:
Faux Punk! Faux Punk!
You hate people like that, too.
Faux Punk! Faux Punk!
But the ones you hate is YOU!

Bridge:
Smashing windows with bricks
Is how you get your kicks.
Its just misguided rage,
Like a dog in a cage.

Thoughts and Words

Writing has always been one of my many passions. I can't believe I have let so many years pass without expressing myself through written word. Whether spoken or written, words have the power to destroy, to build, to inspire or to assult.
To think, God gave me a gift so dynamic, and for years it has sat, idle. I am glad to say that now, finally, I will give my thoughts a voice. An escape from my scattered, disorganized mind, and onto paper in clear and elegant print. The release of this powerful force in a completed work, gives me a feeling of elation. My head is clear and I can think again. But the thoughts come again and I must find a paper and pen, before my mind becomes, once again, a jumbled prison of meaningless thoughts.

My Place

This is to my Daddy for his 50th birthday. I love you, Dad. You will never know how much you mean to me.

You were always there for me.
You made me strong,
And led me along,
When I was too blind to see.

You taught me wrong from right.
I didn't agree,
What was best for me,
So you worried through sleepless nights.

And now that I am grown,
I feel the burning,
I know the yearning,
For something you have always known.

I want my children to have pride;
To see the things
That life can bring,
And know I'm on their side.

But still they are so small.
And you hold them
Where I have been,
And I always felt so tall.

In your strong and loving arms,
My kids and I
Let the world pass by
Where we are safe from harm.

You released me and let me go,
To take on life
With it's pain and strife.
These things I had to know.

And when I fell on my face,
You knew I would,
And you understood,
Back in your arms I found MY PLACE.

The Betrayal

My heart races. By blood rushes through my body like electricity with the sheer exuberance of it. My eyes widen to prove my innocence. I stare deep into his eyes, knowing the reservations he holds there. I feel my heartbeat quicken with the words as I speak them, knowing they aren't true. This is more than just the instincts for self-preservation. This is a deep part of me. The craving for deception; the need to be in control. To know I have a power that cannot be repressed. I thirst for the adrenaline that courses through my veins. Every move, every facal expression, the tone of my voice must all work to acheive the desired goal - make him believe. He searches my face, scrutinizing, leaving not even the most insignificant twitch unnoticed. But there isn't even the slightest waver in my facade. I watch as his eyes slowly soften, and I wait. I wait for the feeling of elation that follows my acheived success. My flawless charade of the truth has been accepted as so. The waves of pleasure wash over me; I feel the evil flowing through me and I am not apologetic. My mouth slowly pulls into a devilish grin as I turn away.

My Duty

Your breath hot and wet
It dampens my skin.
The look in your eyes
This must be a sin.

Your body on mine.
The weight is my fixture.
The feeling is wrong.
An incorrect mixture.

You try to arouse me.
I pretend that you do.
I murder myself,
It’s all just for you.

I lie there so helpless
As you devour and kill
The fire inside me
My life and my will.

I mourn my own death
With each passing day.
The look in your eyes
Draws my life force away.

I surrender myself.
The climax is near.
Your pleasure I loathe,
But my duty is clear.

The touch of your lips
As you kiss with such force
Brings a tear to my eye;
You have no remorse.

I force every breath,
Fill my lungs with the air.
Your smell makes me sick.
This pain I must bear.

You sigh and release me.
I’ve done it once more.
My duty as "wife",
Your personal whore.

To My One And Only

For Katie:


When I look at you, I see the person I want to be.

I cannot help but gravitate toward you.
Our thread of life is one.

Your are like my personal sun.
My life revolves around you.

You inspire and fulfill me.

You will never know how greatful I am to have you.

You are my other half.
I am only intact when we are together.

Your words are a lullaby.
They are salve to my soul.

I would be lost without you.
You are my true north.

My every thought is filled with your presence.

Our embrace is the completion of a single aura.

You are each and every breath I take.
You cleanse me and keep me alive.

Thank you for being a part of my life. I am truly blessed to be in yours. You are the best friend I will ever know. I love you.

Samhain

I watch the world around me die.
The green turns to brown.
Blossoms into decay.
I know the cold, dead Winter approaches.
I mourn the end of Summer.
The grass; the trees; the flowers; the heat.


I close my eyes.
A tear rolls down my cheek.
I breathe the last warm, damp breath of Summer.


I dread the sight of an empty landscape.
In my mind's eye, I see a skeleton of a forest.
Grey and brown.
The smell of death.
The chill of the air as it blows the life from everything it touches.


With a sinking heart, I force my eyes to open.
I behold a beautiful scene of warm colors and bewitching designs made by the naked trees and their fallen leaves.
The trees reach their arms to the sky, bare and unashamed.
I envy their boldness.


They are celebrating the year that has past and the year that is to come.
My heart rejoices with them.
As much as I will miss Summer, I must trade her for Winter.
Each so beautiful; each so different.
Summer's lush and nurturing heat, to Winter's bare and cleansing cold.


The trees wait for the snow, welcoming it into their outstretched hands.
They know this is not only an end, but a beginning.

The Mirror

I dare not look or I will see,

A vision of things that cannot be.

A body, a soul, a life, a mind,

All in perfection, a scene for the blind.

If I look, I know my eyes,

Will see the truth in all the lies.

The lies I hear from those who care.

They see beauty that is not there.

Their sight is warped, it has to be.

My eyes don't lie in what I see.

The things that I can never change.

It drives me to become deranged.

What I see in my own reflection,

It pulls me, unwilling, in one direction.

Toward the fate that guides my reason.

Forcing my actions into treason.

My heart will not let me, my head draws me nigh.

My own mental torture, I must comply.

There is no logic that I can find,

It's steely grasp obscures my mind.

I look down at my hand, the tool in my palm.

The determination in my eyes leads me to calm.

As the cold of the blade cuts into my wrist,

The flood of relief, the feeling of bliss.

The image is glorious as I watch myself die.

Standing alone with myself as I cry

For the ones I am forced to leave behind.

Hopefully, they will never know suffering like mine.

I watch the blood drip onto the floor.

Finally, my eyes will see no more.

Freedom, now, is what I seek,

From the torment and anguish of which I speak.

Silence and darkness, quiet and night.

Each I will welcome with timid delight.

For this is the only real peace I posses.

In death, my true beauty will be now professed.

My Twin Flame

You fly like Mercury to me, bringing news.

News of the past and the present;

But your words are none that my ears can perceive.

For these words I have longed to hear,

But could never bear.

And now it's too late.

Decisions have been made;

Vows have been sworn.

Your heart is with another,

But your soul lies with mine.

Our thread of life intwines;

One with the other,

In an eternal dance that Angels envy,

and Demons crave.

They recognize our passion,

And our desire.

Like the flames of Asha,

Our yearning burns

To be together,

To bind our spark

With intensity to rival Creation.

Align reality with our fantasy

To reveal our life's original path.

My heart is always yours,

Though we are forever apart.

Time passes by,

But the longing remains.

Never changing;

Always calling,

My name with yours.

Waiting for the fusion of past and present

To create our future.